After the Finish Line

Awakening sounds like a solitary event, the yearned for  goal at the finish line.

Buddhist teachings perpetuate this idea.

Other spiritual writers have perpetuated this idea.

I have previously perpetuated this idea through this blog.

Am here to correct this notion.

It seems rather that awakening may go on and on, awakening as a process of indefinite learning, development and evolution .

Where to start?

Oh, right… the only place to ever start authentically…with lived experience.

After 7 years of life in the wide awake awareness, “I” died to another version of a false self… again.

Like the first false self, this false self was a thought creation.

Like the first awakening, this event released amazing energy into the body and a deep and vast sense of freedom into mind.

Like the first time, this event was a seeing through of an identity, something believed to be “true”. In this case, it was a much more subtle, new & improved, ghost-like identity. ( thought fabricated, no matter how gossamer threaded.)

In the circles I travel, this  confusion is a well known flavor.

I was careful to watch out for it,  determined to avoid such an obvious mistake !

It happened anyway.

The fundamental confusion is not just ” Who am I ? ” but “What does anyone do ?”, and ” Who does anything? “.

What happened here, in the 7 years after the seeker disappeared, was that a much, much more subtle version of an awake identity had emerged.

This, whilst holding the intention to look out for such self-deception.

Apparently, mindfulness does not guarantee control.

Guarantees and controlling outcomes were the kind of talk left behind a long time ago. So what gives ?

All we can do is set the intention and trust to grace.

Ultimately, the timing of freedom is not up to the one who asks.

It’s all grace.

So, where does this leave us ?

Where we were all along; living life here, now, or else pretending not to. Those are the two choices in every moment, “awake” or not, and we can go back and forth, as conscious or as unconscious a manner as circumstances and intention allow.


Photo from here.

Graphic from here.


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Forgiveness Practice, Walking

Eyes open, with each step
repeat to yourself
I forgive you
one syllable each step
I…forgive… you.

With each step
repeat to yourself
I forgive me
one syllable each step
I…forgive… me.

With each step
repeat to yourself
You forgive me
one syllable each step

Per Bhante Vimalaramsi,
proponent of this style of contemplation:
” The circle is complete. ”

Bhante Vimalaramsi practiced this way for two years
until there was nothing left to practice with.

Then loving-kindness
had no impediments;
nothing could stand it its way.

Forgiveness Instructions by Bhante Vimalaramsi

Who is Bhante Vimalaramsi ?

Photo from here.

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RASA Transmission

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The End of The End of Seeking, or Is It ?

We have all heard it.

Nowhere to go. Nothing to do.

Depending on your disposition, this may elicit
either a yawn ( of boredom, tedium or indifference )
or a scream. ( of frustration, exasperation or some such similar )

After a long journey – almost 30 years – am ready to call it quits.

But a lot happened during all that time.

Or did it ?

This post is not meant to threaten anyone’s sense of validation.
( regardless of how delicate and capricious that fickle sense is )

The point is, can anything the dream character “does”
actually change the substance of the dream ?

Or, is this dream different –
more substantive than that –
able to give feedback outside of the dream from within it,
kind of like a lucid dream
when you blink a certain way
to let the experimenter watching you know
that you know you are dreaming lucidly ?

Would that be like God watching “us” waiting for “us” to blink lucidly?

Eye from here.


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Forgiveness Practice

This life
has passed
physically easy
and emotionally
full of misery.

This may be
from the nature of emotions
which are suffering itself.

I can thank
my Mediterranean ancestors
for their overflowing passions.

Still, what’s here is here.

How much
have I involved my own
initiative, motivation, emotive energy
in actively perpetuating suffering
for myself and others ?

How do I begin the inquiry
into this dark morass of confusion
that obscures original innocence ?

Forgiveness is the solvent
dissolving the blocks to loving-kindness

Forgiveness is the unstoppable wave
that clears away
all obstacles.

How to practice ?

Eyes closed, sit relaxed.

I forgive myself
… for not understanding…
for making mistakes and errors…
for causing pain to myself or to others…
for not acting the way I should have acted.

I forgive another
… for not understanding…
for making mistakes and errors…
for causing pain to myself or to others…
for not acting the way they should have acted.

I hear and see and feel forgiveness toward myself
… for not understanding…
for making mistakes and errors…
for causing pain to myself or to others…
for not acting the way I should have acted.

Or you can use your own words.

Imagine looking yourself in the eyes while speaking.
Imagine looking the other in the eyes while speaking.
See/hear/feel forgiveness taking place.

Feel into the heart as you return
to a painful relationship or experience.

Is there any tension, tightness, hardness, resistance ?

More to practice.

Keep going.

I shall not be satisfied with anything
other than complete freedom
from the heavy baggage of the mind.

Why settle for anything less ?

Guide to Forgiveness Meditation by Bhante Vimalaramsi

Wire walker here.

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A Forgivable Disdain of Forgiveness

Most of us have baggage.

I have only met a few
who didn’t seem to have any left;
they were all teachers.

Many of us grew up with Christianity;
most of the rest grew up in a culture
heavily influenced by Christianity.

Christianity holds forgiveness in high regard
without providing any method for applying it.

To a mind afficted
with judgement, anger and resentment
this recipe yields misery.

Catholic Christianity in particular
holds guilt in high regard.
Guilt is about failure, and the past.

There is plenty to forgive in every life;
failure to forgive fuels the sense of guilt
and guilt is a painful bondage.

Talking about forgiveness in a nonChristian setting
resembles a high-wire act with a slippery wire
on a breezy day.

Not much chance of getting anywhere.
So why do it ?

Why do anything ?
Why blog ?
Why speak ?
Why live ?

Ever wonder ?
Have spent this life wondering.

What “we do” along the way
flavors the journey.
Sometimes insufferably.
Always unavoidably.

Until it doesn’t.

Image from here.

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Forgiveness: The Missing Link of Practice

Why is Metta / Lovingkindness so ” hard ” ?

How is it even a “thing ” for practitioners ?

Practitioners are self-selected,

There is born the wish
to broadcast loving  energy to the world,
and to everyone they know ?

Where is the issue then ?

Glaring out
from the depths of meditation
(or in some cases, the shallow shoals)
awaits a blockage.

Mental rigidity.

Not “allowing”
the other person
to simply be.

Someone made a mistake
in the past
and now
they do not “deserve”
to be released
from that condemnation.

There is actually an ebook entirely devoted to this problem.

If you are like many seekers
there remains someone
or several someones
who remainedly deserves condemnation

some event from the past
you cannot let go of

you simply cannot
get passed.

For Bhante Vimalaramsi,
that is exactly where practice begins.

Forgiveness practice
allows lovingkindness
the space it needs
to expand.

Without it,
doesn’t make it
off the ground.

Lovingkindness is the other wing
of the dual wings
of awakening;
emptiness and lovingkindness.

Metta / Loviing-kindness Meditation

Loving-Kindness & the 6 Rs

Image from here.

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Ex Nihilo

Don’t tell me

I am space
we are space
space is all there is

I feel solid objects
I feel emotions
I know what I think
I don’t believe what you are saying
I believe in science
I am myself

Science finds space and energy, only
no objects
no matter
no ego center in the brain = no “you ”

Science shamefacedly shows up the sham
There are no nouns, anywhere
The universe is
a collective of processes


Verbs are motion

All else is
mere interpretation
appearence and

made up
ex nihilo
by storytelling apes*

Drawing from here.

* this one included

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RASA, Ramaji, shaktipat

At first, spiritual practice
felt like increasing control.


This lasted for years,
and it felt good.

I am a good person.
I can trust myself.
Others can trust me.


Then the first break came.

And I was nobody.


For about 15 minutes.

Then back to this life,
but as nobody

With the idea
that now
I had the secret to world peace.

Six years later
came the third movement
after beating
my nondual head
against innumerable
nonbrick walls


upends the apple cart
of the nonworld
this nobody enjoyed

Which cart
which way

domination fades
desire for control fades
insistence fades

what was it
that was so imprtant
it had to happen
when ?

fear dissolves

so much of life
runs off the energy of fear

fear floats up
like a turd
in the toilet bowl


what’s left
still here
360 degrees



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promised land: stories from awakeville

the promised land
lacks nothing
filled with food, wine,
money, sex,
and wi-fi

the promised land
the grand reward
for those who persevere

with the wanted
and the worth-its

the promised land
more real than real
hold no fault nor flaw

is like that

at what cost
does one arrive?

what’s the bridge toll?
nothing real is free

turns out
the toll
weighs heavy on the mind

the rich
fail to mention

it never was
the eye of a needle

who is surprised?
what did I think?
how was I disappointed?

the free that’s worth having
and costs nothing
lives in fairy tales
and children’s movies

even a mother’s breast milk
readily given with love
costs the energy
of a baby’s cry

but you don’t understand-
you don’t see-
I’m losing my mind,
my nouns,
my treasured memory

sure, I want the Absolute
the All-That-Is
God’s Face

And I want to stay as I was-

Dark nights are for others
stuttering over parts of speech
losing track of time
dissolving ambitions, projects, plans
those are for someone else

I’ll take the hand of the Infinite
as long
as it is convenient

if I don’t set
the terms, the time, the rules
why should I play
this silly game ?


stories from awakeville are chunks of free verse
derived from post awakening inner experience

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